every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told you penises don't tan
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice