I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
