p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.