He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Christians are straight up FREAKS
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.