I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.