RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I will be naked everywhere
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
