Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker