i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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