Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
