370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section