You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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