I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs