do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?