sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.