I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.