The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
