I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
