Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible