ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I intend to get homeless drunk
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.