I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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