A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
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Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.