You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My balls are so social today.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?