There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.