I hate your face
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No subtext here. People are naked.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?