Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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