He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
