i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...