Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
