she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
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You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
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If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.