i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section