We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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