I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."