i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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