who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.