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i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
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