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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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