I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
