census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.