Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
