Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
