Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
where are you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic