i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole