Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
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All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.