White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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