I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend