Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just saw a hot homeless man
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Porn is love you can see.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
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