I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?