Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."