Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this just has baby written all over it
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor