Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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