i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.