At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...