tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This house was built for laser tag.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.