But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world